Week 2 in B Movie Heaven and Jillian’s choice can only be described as truly majestic. Like, it has everything you need and so much more, plus the makers have done their homework (e.g. taken massive liberties whilst being ‘inspired’ by other movies in the same genre).
Without much further ado, let’s get down to sharky bidnis.
*Spoilers* as always.
3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)
As a mutated, three-headed, great white shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers have to fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.
Before I start I think I should tell you that a) this film made me very happy indeed after quite a hectic weekend, and b) Danny Trejo has long been one of my favourite human beings and I long for the day we accidentally meet and become best friends forever. Like truly, he seems so nice, has lived an extraordinary life and loves dogs. He’s perfect.
So I went into this with a very positive mindset and I can’t say I was disappointed. If we were to deconstruct this film in terms of its feminist politics we might hit a snag but, although we might touch upon them, you’ve kind of got to suspend yourself to get something out of this, which I was only too happy to do.
God bless this movie as well for trying to put some science behind the 3-headed wonder fish and for referring to something as the ‘garbage patch’ for so long without cracking up.
Our main protagonist I guess is Maggie Peterson (Tran), an unfeasibly gorgeous graduate (?) who’s just turned up to The Persephone, a sort of underwater building/rig where scientists study a new rush of mutated sea life and monitor water pollution. (Forgive me, my science ‘bits’ might be wrong or embellished throughout).
Oh, but before we meet her we’ve already seen the beast in question and I thought that was kind of sad. Let’s just say that the creators of 3HSA have decided to move away from the suspenseful build up of Jaws (1975) and go full pelt with their CGI masterpiece. So we begin with the inevitable bikini-clad lovely being enticed into the water by a sexist frat boy, only for them all (?) to come quite the cropper.
Back to Maggie and she’s taking a tour around Persephone with the crew, led by Dr. Laura Thomas (Sims). Some young and spunky divers rock up and – lo! – one of them is Maggie’s ex Greg (Reynolds). They have a super awkward catch up in front of the rest of the crew and then the tour continues.
In one of the rooms the kids (all about my age but still) look at some of the unusual mutations in tanks. They notice that one of the species (a sort of lantern fish hybrid, cute little fella) is really riled up. This leads Dr. Thomas to investigate the boop boop machine (you know, it boop boops and can see if there’s anything in their vicinity that might be dangerous) to see if there’s anything dangerous in their vicinity and they detect something enormous – and it’s heading their way!
Initially, the team think it may be a part of the garbage patch (lol) broken off and drifting but as it’s moving at quite a rapid pace they high tail it onto the beach to Check. It. Out. The staff tell the kids to stay behind but can you guess what they do? Pesky kids.
Outside, one of the crew who isn’t particularly sharp gets excited about the massive whale he’s just seen on the horizon and wades into the water. This can’t possibly go wrong in a movie like this until it does and the gang witness him being gobbled up like a soggy Wotsit. By the way, I think garbage makes our triple headed friend fucking angry hence all the rage and willy-nilly chomping. (Pollution makes me sick too, hun).
The gang are understandably shaken so they head back to the rig but 3 Head follows and smashes the shit out of the structure, causing massive flooding and killing a man on the toilet (you know it’s serious when).
Our intrepid scientists have no choice but to find their way to a boat, sadly their vessel is somewhere out to sea and requires someone to swim out and bring it in. If you can say anything about our crew it’s that everyone is very eager to sacrifice themselves for their friends (even though they just met). You will notice this theme throughout and you may ask yourselves, as I did, whether you would do the same for your work colleagues. (The answer is: some of them).
So there’s a bit about the boat and the most annoying thing about this scene is that one of the lady scientist/divers, Alison (Hamil) panics and runs into the water for no reason (okay, maybe the rig/buildings are blowing up behind them but still). This causes one of the others to have to swim out and ‘save’ her, and you can probably guess the rest.
While all this is going on the team have been trying to get hold of the Coast Guard. Apparently the CG has other stuff going on (kid in a donut ring carried out to sea?) and doesn’t answer.
As luck would have it, they’re able to get hold of a gang (literally a gang) in a boat. This gang is lead by Mr Danny Trejo (I’m not sure what the order of business is that day but no mind) and although he’s reluctant at first and worries they may be pulling his leg about the monster, he heads to their rescue. He’s just that kind of guy.
While they wait, Sharky seems to lose interest in them and heads out to a party boat because why wouldn’t you if you were an angry 3-headed killing machine? Plus they probably all taste of coconut (sun tan lotion, obvi).
Maggie feels the need to save everyone and so insists that they follow so they can save the party kids. Again, I might have turned a blind eye but then I’m maybe not as good a person as Maggie.
Sharky terrorises the party boat and its passengers in the most delightful way. There’s some focus on a couple which is a bit boring but from the carnage rises the clear stand-out character of this entire piece: Stanley (Van Dam). Stanley selflessly rescues everyone in sight and you know you’ll be really feeling it when he finally buys it somewhere, sometime.
We lose quite a few of our friends along the way, through self-sacrifice or whatnot and then Trejo rocks up. He actually has a machete and he sorts everything out, don’t worry. Ten minutes with Machete and it’s all over and we can go home.
Or can we?
I won’t tie up the ending because it’s worth a look if you like shitty films as much as we do but I will say this, to the crew: When you say things like “Phew, it’s finally over!”, it ain’t fucking over, dude.
Also, when somebody in the boat behind you is frantically trying to get your attention, it just might be because something’s up.
And, I really didn’t understand the ending.
Who makes it and who will perish? Will you mind after all the stupidity these idiots show? What about our lovely grumpy shark? Will he stay calm in the face of adversity, or lose his head(s)?
Watch now and find out for yourselves.
Loved it. I mean, I love Shark Movies in general but this one has a mutated Great White in it. How superb is that? Karrueche Tran is so pretty I can’t help saying that all the time. She also used to go out with Chris Brown and I really hope she’s out of that cycle now. I hope she’s got the best boyfriend, or is absolutely loving single life. Yeah that.
I wonder which one she’d rather? The 3 headed shark or Chris Brown again? Kidding. It would be the shark, every time. OBVS.
Van Dam at least gives his all to his role and honestly if I needed saving, which I do not, I think I could do a lot worse than this dude. Ditto Trejo, though he gets a little cocky.
Otherwise, utterly forgettable characters and dialogue. CGI is better than expected and I had a lot of fun here.
My Rating: 5/5 for entertainment, 3/5 for the film (which is being generous) – split the difference with 4/5?