I don’t remember what life was like before anxiety. It was always there, I’m sure, standing just over my shoulder waiting to stick a pin in my fun and games but I’m don’t think it kept me awake at night, shredding my dreams with its cruel words. Not like it does now.
There’s a lot going on right now and all of it’s ultimately positive and yet here she is, anxious me, come to share her tuppence worth.
I started a new role six weeks ago and I’m constantly anxious I’m not doing a good job. Even positive reinforcement, of which there has been plenty, makes me nervous when all I can see are the little things I could have done better. Like, duh, it’s called learning on the job. I hate that I can’t trust that I’m doing the best I can and in a few months time all this will have passed and I’ll be onto the next thing.
Glynn and I are buying a house and perhaps that’s really the underlying stress ingredient. It’s bloody amazing and exciting – and I’m so lucky to have the opportunity to really build a home with the best person. Like my friend says, this will be our little piece of the world but it’s A LOT.
So far things have been flowing quite smoothly so there’s nothing specific stressing me out, I think it’s more the grandness of our next chapter. Like, me owning a house, being responsible for it – being responsible for a mortgage. I keep hearing Ru’s voice, telling me: “Don’t fuck it up.”
I won’t, I can’t and I don’t think I could but still that voice, that anxious bitch within, won’t stop disasterising worst case scenarios. As usual I’m going to fight back, that’s all I know how to do and talking about it on here helps.
I’m similarly struggling atm hun. And I’m absolutely certain anxiety is playing it’s part. Being solely responsible for all of my bills again, making sure everything gets paid on time, it’s a lot. And to top it off I’m just not feeling as happy about being by myself as I thought I would. People keep excitedly asking “how’s the new flat?” And I just don’t know what they want me to say, but “yeah it’s fine” doesn’t seem to be it. I’m sure my funk is only temporary but it’s annoying when I want to be happy about it, much like you with your new job and house, which is super exciting btw. So yeah, I feel you is what I’m not so eloquently saying. And it sucks.
Thanks darling, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this too. It’s both comforting and sad to know I’m not alone. I’m here if you need anything. I’ve been so distracted these last few weeks but we should arrange that cup of tea very soon.
It does suck doesn’t it? Maybe we just need time. I guess if we had all the answers though we wouldn’t feel this way ever and maybe it’s not that bad that we do. It means we can see where we might make changes.
Hang in there but if you want to talk ever, hit me up x