There are certain terrible characteristics that have come to the surface during this fucked up time. Of mine, that is – I haven’t the strength or inclination to examine anybody else’s.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself since we were banned from the streets and not all of it is reassuring. For instance, I hadn’t realised just how impatient I am. Mainly with technology. I can’t deal with screens loading or wires getting tangled in my work chair or too many people on video calls during meetings. Sure it’s all clever and keeping us connected which is so important right now but it makes me anxious – and it easily annoys me. I have started leaving my camera off so nobody can see me rolling my eyes and getting frustrated with these very things – and sometimes them.
Being so available all the time is stressful, man. And now I’m literally speaking to customers while I sit in my own front room which is comfortable – literally I never wear a bra anymore – but weird. How do you leave the working day behind when it’s RIGHT THERE? And vice versa, how do you leave your personal life at home when your home is your office? At the moment all the positives – tea on tap, no pants, an extra hour in bed and zero travel – outweigh the bad so I can’t whinge too much.
I’m also incredibly lazy and this is just another excuse for me to languish about reading books and not do the things I really need to. It almost feels like a Christmas holiday type scenario, everything’s on hold until we’re free again so I’ll permit myself total procrastination and ice cream for breakfast*.
noun: slut; plural noun: sluts
a woman who has many casual sexual partners.
a woman with low standards of cleanliness.
Middle English: of unknown origin.
I should add being a total slut (in the latter definition of the word) is probably my worst trait. My mother would agree on my sluttishness (a term she would level at me a lot growing up), I really am a total slob. Chaotic desk, chaotic mind and all that.
I just find domestic chores so boring and only really tidy up when I know someone’s coming. Since nobody’s coming around these days: what’s a hoover again?
When we’ve moved, I feel like we’ll be much better at the old housekeeping, especially since it will be ours finally. I’m not worried…
So there it is, me just stewing in my own filth and inadequacy. To keep it balanced I’ll share a part 2 which will chronicle the positive things I’ve learnt about myself during lock-down. I’m sure I can locate a couple.
How’re you coping?
*Not really but I could if I wanted to.