The apocalypse is boring

Anyone else just feeling completely fatigued right now? I’m so tired at the end of every day, emotionally drained and feeling like a printer running out of ink.

Sometimes, I just want to sleep all day and that was never me. I’ve upped my napping habits to every day of the weekend and it’s lush and decadent as fuck, but I actually feel I need it emotionally, which just empathises the impact the last six months has had. And I’m one of the lucky ones who has still been able to maintain a routine, still work and interact with colleagues. My husband has been furloughed since March and now been made redundant, and I feel for him.

Everything is so uncertain and hard, like we’re wading through treacle just to get to the other side – but the other side keeps moving.

During times like this I find comfort in being cosy and if I’m honest, slapping on a positive face. Faking it until we make it. Trusting that everything will eventually work itself out and manifesting a better tomorrow in my mind’s eye. Things will heal and so will we all but everything feels just a little too much now.

There’s not much purpose to this post beyond getting these thoughts out. Despite the stiff upper lip, I’m also trying to be honest about negative feelings where usually I would sweep them away. To accept that it’s okay to struggle and have serious doubts and be scared or numb or angry. To feel what we feel.

I’m learning that dropping a quote about positive thinking is all well and good but that feeling shit is as legitimate. That toxic positivity is a thing and it doesn’t always help the situation.

So, I feel anxious about the future, about jobs and money. I’m still struggling with socialising but at the same time I miss people so much. I miss my colleagues massively and sometimes wonder who the hell I am if I can’t see myself reflected in others. That one is hard to explain.

But we’re all feeling a variant of this, aren’t we? Not one of us has been unaffected by the crisis this year.

I’m just going to own these feelings for now and treat myself, and Glynn, as nicely as I can. Autumn is just round the corner and cosiness is key. We’ve got a new sofa and Autumn is spooky story season.

Blogtober is also on the horizon and I’m hoping a post a day will kickstart my creativity. It’s hard to blog when you’re not doing much besides contemplating your navel and catastrophising.

How are you? (Really)?

Anxiety Lock-Down Diaries Mental Health

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