That bitch

I’m so tired of the ‘gaining weight in lock-down’ rhetoric. You know what? We’ve probably all been moving less and eating more, so what? We’re probably all put on a few pounds. God knows how many I have personally, I’m not keeping track and I gave up the scales a long time ago because they were literally killing me.

People seem to be more scared of putting on weight – and looking like me – than the pandemic itself and that says everything about everything.

I vow to myself here and now that I’m going to love myself through all of this and when I’m out I’m going to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It may not be a fashionable shape, it may not have carried a baby or run a marathon (actually I did do a mini-one in Sydney when I was 20) – I don’t have to have ‘achieved anything’ with it to respect all it does for me.

I’m fat and I’m not looking to change my body. People might find it hard to understand that I love it. I have awful days when I look at my clothes and want to head straight back to bed for the rest of the week. I have days I don’t feel it but mostly, I’m at home here. Society still hates fat and fat people, and doesn’t really look kindly on the acceptance of it.

You only need look at any woman’s magazine or the comments on plus-size women’s Instagram accounts to realise that. Maybe it will never change, no matter what anyone says. People will always find something to hate and some people are beyond help.

I can only keep working on my own internalised fatphobia and surround myself with positive people. This can be hard sometimes, as even with the best of intent, a lot of friends and family members still talk shit about themselves – yes, gaining weight, feeling fat and dieting until they’re blue in the face – I speak up whenever I have the energy. 100% that bitch. But I also understand – until a couple of years ago I thought and felt all the same things. The kicker is, none of them are in the least bit fat – I’m always the largest in the group, that’s just fact and I’m okay with it (now).

I can and will love myself unconditionally, no matter what happens through this lifetime. I owe it to myself, my mental health – to my fat brothers and sisters.

And to Lizzo.

Disclaimer: I always feel the need to acknowledge my privilege which sometimes might not be necessary. Here I think it is. As a white ‘small’ fat I most definitely don’t have it as hard as some, in fact in comparison, I don’t have much cause to complain.

I think it’s also obvious that the body positivity movement started in one place and has changed quite a bit, not necessarily in the best way. It isn’t always the all-inclusive revolution it claims to be and that sucks. I just want to recognise that because it’s important.

Also, do what you have to to get through this pandemic I say. A few pounds won’t kill you and neither will looking after your head.