Volcano

I’ve been having issues with an individual in my life recently and it’s made me feel all sorts of ways. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say it’s bringing up some of the feelings I used to have in my shitty relationship. Not that I’m in an intimate relationship with this person you understand!

But what he’s doing is gaslighting 101 – and I’ve got his number.

The thing is I’m not convinced he (let’s call him FF, you can do the interpretation of that code) knows I’m onto him. I’m not going to dwell for long on what’s happening, just how it’s making me feel – and how I plan to deal with it.

I’m not taking it lying down any more, I don’t want to take anything lying down anymore (except sex and naps). My first instinct is to burn every bridge, flip tables and yell profanities in FF’s direction but that’s the thing about gaslighting, you often can’t prove anything. It’s so insidious, so softly softly that you spend the whole time justifying your feelings to yourself.

Am I imagining all this? Am I being too sensitive? Am I projecting my own insecurities onto this person? Am I the problem?

I’ve vowed again and again to stop apologising needlessly but it’s very hard not to. And I’ve spent the best part of the year making excuses for FF and it hasn’t helped either of us.

So far all I’ve actively done is avoid him, but I think this is very thoughtful of me. I feel like a volcano about to blow and if he were caught in that he’d never survive it, probably neither would I. Instead I’m using this time to write down my feelings and work through them, I’m so much better on paper. I want to move forward and speak up; not break what flimsy respect we have for one another into tiny pieces. I just wish I’d done it sooner.

I don’t love confrontation but I don’t normally avoid it. I’m happy to stand up to people and fight for the things I believe in, I guess this is tied up in the PTSD from the worst period of my life. It might be well over a decade since it ended but I still carry it with me. But FF has no power over me, only I do and I’m taking it back. NOW.

How are you?

5 thoughts on “Volcano

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