I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for those in the back: I’m just proud I’m still standing. Back in May I reflected on the things I’d learnt about myself in the first lock-down – good and bad – but I’m not sure I’ve actually tackled this subject in depth yet.

I really mean it, I’m so proud of myself for not losing it completely. Sure, I’ve lost it many, many times since March but here I am at the end of one of the most challenging years of all time and I can still laugh about it. I mean, like everyone, we’ve had some very low periods. There was a time I couldn’t stop refreshing the news feed and had a permanent stomach ache.

I couldn’t sleep and worried about losing my job (still do). Then my husband lost his – and although that’s been shitty – I’ve been inspired by how he’s responded to everything. 100% better than I would in the same position. We’re in a better situation than most and I recognise that – but his positivity and pro-activity at times has been incredible. He’s such a catch that I am sure the right role will snap him up in good time.

While I’ve achieved exactly zero – apart from becoming a mother to a very stinky boy, bought a house, grown my hair – I’m also proud that I’m okay with that. Goals have not been achieved in quite the way they could of been while we’ve had all this time. I haven’t baked one banana loaf, done any home work-outs – I haven’t written the novel yet. I haven’t started the novel yet. I dabbled a little in the spell work I promised myself and I blogged a lot – but overall I’m comfortable with the love I’ve shown myself in lieu of all those things.

I’m also proud of the following:

  • My friendships
  • My penmanship – my letter game is STRONG
  • The fringe trims (not) – but I am proud of the fact I’m less vain about the shit haircuts I’ve given myself
  • My productivity – this has gone up and down understandably, but I’m astonished I’ve got as far as I have because I never feel like actually working, especially at home
  • My cat – he might still have his trust issues but he’s come along in leaps and bounds – literally

And so, in conclusion: I am most proud that I’m typing this here and now. While people have had it much worse – I haven’t lost anybody or been ill myself – the darkest moments haven’t yet got the best of us. Sure, maybe in part to the higher dose of meds (thank you, Sertraline) but mostly to resilience, trust that the universe knows exactly how much we can handle and sheer gumption.

I kind of always suspected I had a little bad ass in me. Now I know for sure.

What are you most proud of?